Doki Doki Panic (real life, not the game)

exodus

2501 it does strike me that given all this, simply meeting more people in spaces where there are common interests might be a good way to go. If not as the solution to your current situation, as practice for the future and being present around other people. The isolation and lack of a car thing makes it tough, but if you can get to NYC in an hour and a half, even without social connections there are certainly events you could get to. It’s really intimidating to do solo, but maybe you know someone who could go with you so you’ve got a base to work from at least? It sounds like some kind of vector of a plan, anyway…

2501

exodus Yeah, before Covid I went up once or twice a month, usually for film screenings but I’d also finally worked up the courage to visit Babycastles and actually had a really fun experience just chatting with an employee there. I’m curious about @fortninety’s film screenings too. These days it’s just a question of figuring out what’s actually physically open and when, and then making time to go if my work schedule allows.

yeso

this is the most boring advice possible but it works: get fit and build some muscle. That’ll do a good amount of work for you wrt ‘getting along’ with women you meet. Kind of simplistic but true in my experience. Also helps a lot with mental health. You might be totally fuckin yoked already though. disregard if so

sabertoothalex

yeso Really wanna echo this too. Even if you’re not bulging just getting some tone can do wonders.

Also gym: not a good place to meet people generally. A safe zone to not have to talk to or be put in social interactions. But still able to be around people.

2501

yeso Definitely not jacked but have enough naturally density that I probably could be…

notthetoilet

EDIT - I thought I was first reply, some of this ground has been covered haha

Thanks for sharing - not TMI at all! Your practical difficulties (money, location, COVID) must make the whole process so demoralising. I see a very loveable person in this post, though.

It might help to try and look at the issue aromantically? Make your goal meeting people, simply because connecting with others is great. Don’t discriminate according to the genders you’re attracted to, etc. I wouldn’t even say try to make friends, rather make meeting others and having conversations a part of your life, somewhat like going to the gym to work on your body (and like the gym, start small and try to build a habit).

I love your last paragraph and I think your overall point is correct. You’ve done a reasoned analysis and determined you deserve love. As a fellow anxious overthinker, my recommendation is to try and accept this once and for all, and try to let it go any time you find yourself questioning it. It’s really hard to receive love if you don’t feel like you deserve it and we’ve determined that you do. No need to keep going back to the drawing board.

A bit of a tangent, but I just want to tell a little anecdote about us not being great measurers of our own attractiveness. I was raised obese and discussing it was forbidden, so I have a really tough time believing anyone would find me attractive. At a book club about ten years ago I was talking about various difficulties I had making friends and an older woman dismissed it all and said “that’s all just because you’re hot”, and I honestly had to go to the bathroom and throw up. It was like Sonic being on a Nintendo console.

PS - if you get even a whiff of a local book club - sign up, I’ve found them excellent for getting more comfortable in social situations - everyone introduces themselves, everyone gets a turn to speak, and it’s a structured, formal conversation. It really improves your listening skills and you learn way more about your potential friends from their opinions than you would from their Tinder bio.

2501

sabertoothalex

Yeah, I’ve done most of these things in the past. Covid has made them more difficult. (I live near family in high-risk demographics and work in a public school system, so I’ve tried to maintain a consistently high level of caution for the past two years.) So has intense natural shyness/anxiety that’s just been a part of me all my life. You may have noticed I’m intensely self-conscious! Whatever mystical process takes people from “being in others’ presences” to “socializing organically and becoming friends” has often eluded me. I’m probably calling myself out as being On the Spectrum pretty hard here in these posts, but oh well.
Trust me, I have tried dating apps and continue to try them on occasion! My cynicism comes from several years of very frustrating experience. I’ve met enough other people across the gender/sexuality divide who share that cynicism that I don’t think it’s exclusively a Me Problem! I also actively use a couple other dating-oriented channels outside of the standard big sites, but - again, in the past couple years especially - things have gotten markedly worse both in that environment and for me personally. Sites have gotten more overcrowded, fast-moving and cynical, while I’ve reached a point of jadedness and exhaustion where it feels like a drag to summon up the emotional energy to slowly converse and get to know complete strangers I’ll likely never actually see who live halfway across the continent or planet. I do try to maintain it. Also, I was permabanned from Tinder years ago for using public domain photos of grizzly bears instead of selfies, which particularly sucks because until that happened I was getting a lot of amused matches.
I’m sure you didn’t mean to imply anything insulting here, but I do have female friends and have for years? In fact it’s only through experience that I’ve realized being reasonably open about your intentions, or at least your openness to the possibility of a more-than-platonic relationship, is generally a more conducive approach than taking on everything from a platonic-until-proven-otherwise stance first. I have several current friends for whom romantic and/or sexual stuff sort of fizzled but we still enjoyed talking. The qualities of a desirable friend and desirable partner aren’t that different, I think?
Fair I guess, although I’d like to think there’s a bit of a difference between being “self-absorbed” versus “locked in my own head”, which is more the way it feels. I do know that that myopic tendency can lead me to unintentionally say and do things which transgress social norms and alienate people when I’m not constantly, actively self-monitoring - hence the excessive, neurotic self-reflection and maybe overestimation(??) of how alienating I actually am. When I don’t obsessively self-monitor and explain myself though, I discover people get way more negative impressions of who I am than when I do - except for the rare person who just seems to get it without explanation. Again, probably massively outing myself here which is aggravating.

I kinda regret letting my previous post up there turn from what was supposed to be “a few brief thoughts” into a bloated megapost, both because I hate feeling like I’m asking for sympathy or free therapy and because I’d hoped for this thread to be a more generalized thing for other people to post about their romantic woes rather than totally centered around me and my particular issues. So, sorry about that. I might step away.

sabertoothalex

2501 I’m sure you didn’t mean to imply anything insulting here, but I do have female friends and have for years? In fact it’s only through experience that I’ve realized being reasonably open about your intentions, or at least your openness to the possibility of a more-than-platonic relationship, is generally a more conducive approach than taking on everything from a platonic-until-proven-otherwise stance first. I have several current friends for whom romantic and/or sexual stuff sort of fizzled but we still enjoyed talking. The qualities of a desirable friend and desirable partner aren’t that different, I think?

Yeah sorry, I wasn’t speaking specifically to you here, or trying to imply you have been resistant to/not experienced this. Just a more general thought in being open to dates-turned-friendship as a good thing to pursue if both people are on board. In my own life I’ve noticed a lot of men specifically aren’t super open to this. But again, my post was a poorly constructed mix of general stuff and specific replies to you so apologies. I’ll delete some of my last post since it’s not really what you were looking for.

exodus

2501 I’d hoped for this thread to be a more generalized thing for other people to post about their romantic woes rather than totally centered around me and my particular issues.

For what it’s worth I think it can still be that, and I don’t think you need to step away! This discussion is clearly engaging for a lot of people likely because a lot of us are working through or have worked through similar issues and are voicing it through “advice to 2501,” so please don’t feel like you’re disrupting things! Everyone’s having a good think about this stuff.

beets

2501 I’ve met enough other people across the gender/sexuality divide who share that cynicism that I don’t think it’s exclusively a Me Problem!

I despise the dating apps. They make it all feel so dehumanising and force me to judge people. You can’t just pass over people you have to say “No, I am not interested” dozens of times over.

I was in a relationship for about 6 months and I broke it off almost exactly a month ago. I redownloaded one of the apps to hopefully stave off the loneliness that would rise at night. It didn’t help and I deleted it after a few days. I broke off the relationship because I believed I didn’t feel as strongly as she did. I had also attempted to get jobs in other cities twice; subconsciously looking for a way out. The day after when I drove her home, I felt terrible and like I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

A week or so later we met up again to drop some things off, we went to a nearby park to talk it out but I don’t think it went well. I’m doing better now and I think it was the right choice to end it, but I haven’t seen her since.

I guess as valentines day is looming near that lonely feeling will be lingering again. Verbs stolen from Los Campesinos

yeso

2501 2/25/22 elden ring death pushup forum club begins

pasquinelli

yeso don’t know what that is but i am immediately on board.

yeso

pasquinelli

how I got my huge ass: 10 squats after every Elden Ring death

it’s basically this. back in the olden days of demons souls, I started doing a set of pushups after every death. So I’m going to make a thread when ER comes out, and we can all share our misery + progress

sabertoothalex

how I got my huge ass: 10 squats after every Elden Ring death

pasquinelli

sabertoothalex it would be funny for this thread to become the insert credit body building thread.

i’ve yet to find the thing that gives me a big ass and it bums me out.

pasquinelli

yeso oh, i’m a dork, i read it as a challenge to do death pushups in some kind of way that relates to elden ring.

Syzygy

curse my elite gaming skills, doomed to always be flabby

yeso

Syzygy elite gamers are already perfect

sabertoothalex

I’d been toying around with the idea of making a fitness thread for a while so good to see some traction here. Insert Credit home of the Elden Ring challenge.

yeso

pasquinelli I think we’re on the same page. Die in elden ring, do a set of pushups

wickedcestus

Honestly I think this thread is hugely valuable because dating can be so tough, and as someone who went through the entire hell-process of trying to online date while being extremely shy and alienated from the world, without talking to anyone about it, I can tell you that that sucks! I was so convinced that I was undatable that I was embarassed to tell anyone I knew that I was going on dates, for fear that they would find the very idea ridiculous and laughable. I de-actived my OkCupid account at least six or seven times in the first week alone, and then many more times in the year after that, for various absurd reasons. It really would have helped if I had talked to literally anyone about my experience, and realized that I wasn’t completely alone in what I was going through! Oops!

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