I’ve been processing some general sense of “why do things if not to impact the world?” which is a general damper on many of my instinctive excitements, a whip I crack over my own head nearly constantly.
An image in my head that motivates that question is that by sharing things with the world, I’m spiraling things off into the rest of the universe that will have unknowable consequences and impact that will outlast my conscious presence in the world (and are hence beautiful and worthy). The way my grandma’s words still nudge me around after she is gone. I want to do that too, so spending time on things that are only ever seen by me feels like a tree expending energy on ingrown branches.
The mindset shift I’ve been trying to keep hold of the last few days is that this view of the outside world as being the place where things can spiral off infinitely is equally applicable to any single mind (which I am the same as any other who I may value nudging). When I spend twenty minutes learning more about how to spoof RPGツクールGB2 into doing something like counting, I have no idea how that will impact my future self, mental state, choices. It will have an impact that spirals with all sorts of other stuff and will impact how I choose to interact with the world in another instant.
I never could hear things along “do it for yourself” lines, but something like “do it because you can’t predict how it will impact yourself” sounds more palatable to me. The human mind is a wild mess of uninterpretable causes and effects, and I know it’s possible to stir my own pot while being creative. It’s similar to the moments of making yourself laugh.
I wrote this post because I wanted to take the time to hold a mirror up to myself and look at the words for a second. Maybe it will mean something to someone, but that outcome doesn’t matter. I’m dropping pebbles into my own pond.
Ed: I also know the “whip cracking” part of my mind will be rewarded if/when this post gets a reply or like. That’s just the natural way of things. But I’m trying to also help myself remember that had this just been a notepad doc, it still would have value and impact on me.
