Alright well here we go:
Hollow Knight. I don’t like the limbo-esque art style, I think the bugs look bad and everything’s hard to see. I really don’t like the inertia-y movement and I REALLY don’t like the wait on the attack animations and the lack of precision to just about everything. I also don’t like the music and find the level design drab. I truly do not understand why anyone likes this game.
Souls Games. I don’t like the budget version of a souls game (above), and I don’t like the real ones either. I don’t like learning lengths of animations for each different weapon. I hate waiting around in an action game and I feel like in those I’m always waiting for something, and the waits are short and are The Thing you have to learn which is somehow more frustrating. I don’t like gotchas either and I guess they removed a bunch of those but it’s just not for me. I also don’t like the kind of compulsion drive that “go back to get some of your old stuff when you die” creates, it’s gross to me.
Platinum Games. Basically all of them, including the Clover ones. I like the idea of god hand but I sure don’t want to have to play it. Most platinum games are “let’s see how many animations we can do with a button press” combined with “let’s make it easy” to where I kind of wonder what my part is in all this. Do I even need to hit the buttons? what’s the point? there are so many combos of moves but I don’t need to use them. Bayonetta I stuck with before they Platinumed me to boredom in 90 minutes - that was the longest I lasted in any platinum game until Nier Automata which, while I still don’t like the combat, was fine because of everything else going on in it. Anyway: I do not like platinum combat.
Vanquish. They want you to figure out where all the enemies are while sliding around and moving them out of your line of sight. The way they want you to play this game is not a way I want to play a game. I find the specificity of it simultaneously frustratingly specific and floppy. I really do not like this game and wrote a bit rebuttal to adam saltzman’s big lovefest article he wrote, I wonder if that’s still around. (after 2 minutes looking) well, I can’t find it but I found this little exchange:
You wrote: “VANQUISH FAQs offer little to no concrete help in mastering the game, at least partially because VANQUISH is less about finding the path of least resistance, and more about ballet dancing across a chessboard in more-than-real time, while the pieces, and even the chess board itself, linked by visible and comprehensible logic, shift under the player’s feet until the dance is over.”
Interesting because I totally don’t agree! I found it very less than comprehensible, especially visually, and most stages devolved for me into a hidden object game as I drifted around trying to figure out where I was getting shot from. The only way I could see to getting better at it was memorization, and the mechanics didn’t grab me enough to warrant it. Maybe you have a way bigger TV than I do or something?
Smash Bros. Everyone knows I don’t like smash bros but I’ll just mention it a little. The movement feels bad, the jumps feel bad, the motions are context sensitive but inconsistent across characters, jumping around off the side feels bad, and most of the characters are nintendo ones :sunglasses face:
Shenmue. It’s boring!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s boring. And everything takes forever. I love the idea of it and I’m glad it exists and I want more of them to exist but it’s boring.
Ikaruga. Honestly the score mechanic is too involved for me and is the point of the game, and I don’t find it engaging enough to try to learn it.
Mass Effect. Easy to hate on Mass Effect but I felt so disappointed when I started that game and it was all about fun stuff like diplomacy and quests in a space station and then suddenly it turned into a mediocre shooter. None of the subsequent episodes had a space station so that was pretty much it for me.
Uncharted. Shoot the brown people! Eventually they found some caucasians to shoot but it took SEVERAL episodes, and you always save the white person who’s in charge of the brown people to show you’re not a bad guy. Anyway that’s not the thing I don’t like, the thing I don’t like is the shooting, the dumb head dodges the AI does, and the incredible bait and switch they pull in the first game where you are on a fun exploration platform mission and then it just pops dudes out at you from wherever in this tomb that nobody has been to for X000 years. I played all of them though so mostly I’m talking about my disappointment with where I would like this series to be vs where it is. I liked the ladies one the best so far.
Braid. Bad jumps!!!!! Puzzles aren’t fun to figure out.
Untitled Goose Game’s music. I do like the game, I get why tim doesn’t but I enjoy it. take that stupid suburban kids! get hecked by a goose. But many people have said the game wouldn’t be the same without the plinky plinky piano music and I just hate it and think it’d be better even with a god darned commercial for anti-depressants style ukulele and clapping and whistling soundtrack (among my least favorite things in the universe).
Zelda Link’s awakening. I only played the switch one and I found it boring and I don’t like bombing random walls, I don’t like the characters, I just don’t enjoy it at all. Gave it the ole college try though.
I said I wasn’t gonna do too much nintendo, I’m trying!!!
The Witcher III. It is just another of these open world things! There’s lots of fetching to do, everyone’s mean to each other, the world is dreary, I’m tired of fantasy, and the story is just… dull and boring and extremely standard. The combat has a level of complexity that is probably fun for people who want to figure it out but I was not inspired to and set it to easy after about an hour. I don’t know why anyone would choose this over dragon age or skyrim any other game with this setting.
Final Fantasy VII Remake. I hate these characters!! I didn’t used to, but I sure do now. I find manic pixie dream girl aerith to be one of the most obnoxious characters I’ve encountered. Tifa isn’t much better. the whatsit lady who’s all horny for Cloud is EXTREMELY a person I would not hang out with and actually kind of triggered some real bad memories. Cloud is just a mopey nothing jerk. Jive-talkin’ Barrett is embarrassing. and all the extra stuff in the middle really feels like fluff, running around town doing errands that ultimately result in another fight. Tim swears the battle system is interesting if you play it a specific way, but I never got to that point, and after 12+ hours of really trying I just couldn’t get over not liking the battle or the story. I liked Crisis Core massively more and that was repetitive as heck!!!!
The Last of Us. I don’t like the murdery dismal vibe but on top of that I cannot listen to the sound the enemies make or I’ll tear my hair out. Also I had a terrible play experience with a demo of it but I guess they fixed some of the stuff I didn’t like, but… I just don’t need to play it, and the last of us II sounds like everything I didn’t like, but way more (which sometimes makes me wonder about myself if this is what’s popular).
God of War. Talking about the first one. Another “why am I here” game where I don’t like the movement, everything’s too slashy and all over the place, I don’t like the weapons, it’s too loose when it wants action and too precise when it wants platforming and I just did not like it.
Persona 5. My least favorite persona. The characters are bad, the battle system, while better than 4, is still boring (SMT’s is MASSIVELY better, especially SMT IV) because elements barely matter instead of being the focus, and difficulty is more about higher hit points than it is about complexity and thinking things through. But mostly, yeah, I don’t like the characters, and also it feels the most formulaic of them all. They’ve all sort of had a formula since 3, so maybe it’s just this being the 5th one that makes it stand out, but it feels like they had a spreadsheet labeled “types of characters in Persona” and just went down and checked them all off. Also the menus aren’t actually that good they are just animated and at jaunty angles, sorry!!!!!!!!
well guess what, I could go on forever but why not stop now.
It’s hard to criticize other devs because none of my games are even approaching perfect. At least I know exactly what’s wrong with them though lol
Heck why not do one of those actually:
Indivisible. The battle system is overly complicated but not with good reason - why do I have to remember to do an “up down” attack to break a guard? what’s the point of it? Why are enemy attacks for perfect guards telegraphed so poorly? There are too many characters and most of them are superfluous and while some of them work together there’s nothing in the game to tell you how or why and you just have to experiment. The first 30 minutes have story stuff I’d never want to do if I didn’t have to (why the F would the main character take the guy who killed her dad as her first party member). Nice art though!!!!
ok bye for now honk
 I added some more heh heh. also APOLOGIES if you like these games, please don’t take that as a dismissal of your taste, everyone likes what they like and we all are going into this knowing these are agreed upon as good games so hopefully nobody will feel offended.