Psychological Health Neurodiversity and Holistic Wellness Support/Sharing Circle

general
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@“connrrr”#p104282 How weird has this pandemic made you as a person? How much harder is it to get out and go to things with human beings?

It was already pretty hard for me for many reasons, and I do think the pandemic really shook things up socially for everyone. It seems like people have different relationships with the social world now, and pretty much everyone is navigating their own boundaries and capacity. Commitment is very low, for better and worse.

My "reentry" into the wider social world was not fully intentional and feels serendipitous. My life has more-or-less been transformed and feels so different from what it was even pre pandemic.

I quit my job of 3 years in January, got a job delivering pizza, and had it all planned out to go go back to college after a 10 year hiatus in Fall. Ended up crashing my car, so had to quickly find a new job. Ended up working at my local farmer's market. My local market is a community in and of itself. The vendors, regular customers, artists, and farmers. I had to interact directly with hundreds of people for 8 hours a day, four days a week. It was exhausting, but I loved it. A big part of that was the crew we had at the stand I worked at. Just one of those lucky instances where everyone gets along well, is fun, and likes the work. I had a revelatory experience. It was a really supportive and fun environment. Inspired by Tim Rogers I even started to translate the experience over summer into a novel (_no_ you can't read it. I wrote it _for me_).

This led straight into an incredible Fall term at school. Again I found myself surrounded by generous, kind, and intelligent people. I had a profound experience in my program creating and learning about art, and expanding my community.

All of this was exhilarating, overwhelming, exhausting, fulfilling, frustrating, uncomfortable, and challenging. It took time and persistence. It took constant evaluation of my own boundaries and capacities. I had to be vulnerable and exposed at times. Sometimes I went too far and other times not far enough. But dang, it's been worth it.

62

Well I made it out to the life drawing initiative tonight and stayed for the full three hours.

Summary

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I like us posting our mental health wins in here. ♡

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@“connrrr”#p104681

Since this time last year I've lost about 15 pounds, quit both weed and alcohol, and can now run about 500 meters before triggering an asthma flare up. I also do about 40 pushups, 30 squats, and 20 dips each morning when I'm not recovering from lifting weights. About once a week I fast for about a day, from one dinner until the next.

I painted two canvases today that may or may not make me any money at all.

>!I would feel so good about myself and be so optimistic about the future if only that thing hadn't happened and I didn't have brand new PTSD right now.!<

65

@“Tradegood”#p104704 we're all victims of our biology.

66

I may finally get fired from the zero-effort, zero-value substitute job I’ve sort of semi-subconsciously been trying to get fired from because they asked me to sit in a hallway doing nothing for four hours, I was exhausted (as always) so I went home to nap, and then I got in big trouble for not being in the hallway doing nothing. Not sure how ashamed I should feel about this but it’s the second really unpleasant system shock in the last couple weeks after I got hilariously blown the fuck out on Valentine’s Day by someone I’ve spoken with most days for almost two years. Currently off my meds too so the graphic fantasies of, uh, [redacted] are sure to come soon but for now it’s just more of the new even more depressing continuous state where I’m too tired, numb and dismal to even contemplate taking the one action that would for sure change my life - just don’t have the energy for it!! Or anything!!

Might delete this post because it’s definitely TMI and letting strangers on the internet know precisely what a piece of shit I am is an objectively bad idea

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@“Tradegood”#p104704 I also lowkey admire the people who are outspoken about their problems in public

I mean this as sincerely and compassionately as I know how, and as someone who fully understands what makes it compelling: don’t admire people for this. At best the reason people do this is because their pain is so overwhelming and they’re so lacking in healthy boundaries or private outlets in their lives that they don’t know how _not_ to overshare; at worst it’s textbook social manipulation, sometimes even narcissism. A smallish internet forum where everyone posts behind handles is one thing, but I instinctively distrust anyone being overly public and declarative about extremely intimate subject matter and ask myself what they gain from putting that on display. An intimate confession of pain and weakness made publicly is no longer an intimate confession; it’s become something else entirely.

(I may be oversensitive on this topic because “traumaposting”, “confessionals”, casual mental illness talk, etc. have become such a huge part of online culture and culture generally over the past decade or so and I think the net effect is really bad for a lot of people. I’m absolutely an overly self-reflexive person who can if I’m not careful have shit boundaries and blurt out alienating or inappropriate stuff on a regular basis so maybe I’m indicting myself here a little but the important point is it’s important to be somewhat guarded and private about this stuff in the world and oversharing is not noble or admirable or even necessarily honest in itself; it is at best a symptom.)

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sometimes, I lower my daily caffeine intake for whatever reason, and then I‘ll totally forget that I did. then for three days in a row I’ll be grouchy or have little things get to me, sometimes my saddies will come back, then when I finally remember after like three days it's like dang, I thought something was wrong with me! Time to start steeping my tea cold overnight again!

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I want to believe that sharing my trauma and commiserating online can be done productively. This is a very cool collection of thoughtful people. I'm not seeking a spiralling echo chamber like the mental health subreddits.

Last week I was despairing kind of a lot. I'm not "all better" but the last couple days have been a real pick me up and I feel like I'm back on track kind of—executing a plan, taking steps in the direction I need to go.

I feel like such a pussy when I hold back about the things that are really worrying me but if I started where would it stop? I try to think about what use it has to share a thing. I guess talking about recurring anxiety helped get me out out of the house last week. I'm glad I could make use of this thread.

Pastel gesture for you all:

>!

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@“2501”#p105722 I was talking about irl mostly, and not even necessarily referring to intimate subject matter…

Summary

I‘m coming from a position where I’m bad at speaking up when things aren‘t ok or I’m uncomfortable, pressured, overworked, etc. It leads to people walking all over you or having misconceptions about you. I once had Bell‘s Palsy and spent like a month trying to hide it (unconvincingly) because I didn’t want to burden anyone. Then a guy called me out in front of all of my coworkers and the CEO for being rude and looking at people side-eyed. It was embarrassing and devastating at the time but I can look back and laugh at the misunderstanding in the long run.

Even at a very low level I do wish I had whatever it is that makes you more outspoken about what's eating ya, and even though oversharing isn't noble, neither is undersharing! There's no special prize for holding in the most pain (except chronic inflammation)

I do get where you're coming from when it comes to the internet. I think all compassionate people have observed the internet's ability for us to feel the burdens of strangers... even if they aren't acting in good faith. But I think you're forgetting the very real catharsis in sharing and opening up, particularly if it is with a group of mature and thoughtful people who might be able to share insights or make you feel less alone with the stuff you're going through. I think it's good that you opened up a bit because it seems like you're aware of what you're fighting against and maybe in hindsight you'll be able to laugh at taking a nap at the hallway-sitting factory. That story says way more about your employers not having their shit together then it does about you.

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@“Tradegood”#p105768 what a jerk coworker calling you out!

some of my first jobs were doing dumb shit like standing in hallways and my family was like "you should take any job you can and work there forever!" and in retaliation to that I quit all my jobs as soon as possible for a loooong time.

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@“Tradegood”#p105768 I appreciate your side here, as someone who myself has I guess a diametrically opposite personality insofar as like, when something is eating me I pretty much can’t hide it so I either avoid people entirely or blurt it out in ways that might make others uncomfortable. I generally think it’s better to be bluntly honest at the risk of inducing discomfort than to lie for the sake of social harmony, and I think many people do respond positively to honesty and transparency even if it’s painful, but beneath the ideals my own tendency to be blunt and shout stuff out and simply suck at hiding things is as much compulsion as anything because my brain is broken. If anything the opposite problem of being so in control of your own feelings and behavior and conscientious of one’s effect on others that you can’t be blunt about your own pain seems more noble to me, if just as much of a problem in its own way.

@"connrrr"#p105740 Nice sorta proto-Francis-Bacon-y thing you got taking form there

74

I talked about that sweet computer repair job I scored in the wage slog thread but I think I left out how I got on HRT in the same month I was hired. I would have been set for a smooth transition had it not been for my extremely transphobic family making my life unbearable so long as I was living with them. My life had fallen apart, and in the middle of putting it back together again I got driven out of my home.

I often feel sabotaged and like I'm at least a decade behind everyone my age, and I'm really feeling it tonight. The more I manage to overcome the self-hatred I was raised with the more embarrassing it becomes to admit where I'm at in my life. I don't know what to do about these feelings when they surge. I guess mourning doesn't have a fixed end point.

Also I absentmindedly restored an old save state in *Metroid II* on NSO and let it overwrite my in-game save, so I lost a bunch of progress. Don't do that!

75

I‘ve been feeling real bad about myself lately. There’s a couple of difficult conversations I need to have with friends. One I‘ve been putting off. I hope it I feel better after I do them. It won’t be fun, but at least I can stop thinking about it.

It really bothers me how small things can easily snowball into big deals in my life. In this sense, nothing is easy or chill, everything is a big deal. From when I get up in the morning, to the kind of food I eat, how often I get groceries, etc... I'm trying not to be as rigorous as I used to be when experiencing such intense anxiety about... well, everything, but this aspect of my life makes it feel very difficult. Sure, I'm thankful I no longer feel the need to perform an elaborate ritual every time I leave the house because if I don't I feel like I'll die. But on the other hand I slept in two weeks ago, and one thing led to another and now I'm completely out of groceries with no plan to get to the store.

I could ask for help, in the form of a ride. I have a difficult time believing people are helping me because they're nice or they like me and want me to have food. It's much easier for my brain to think people are pitying me, (which I hate) or actively hiding their disdain when I ask for things (which feels right but makes me want to continue isolating). Facing this, it's easier for my brain to treat people more as tools, a means to an end to get what I want/need. But I don't want to be that kind of person (anymore). I think it's some kind of twisted mental coping mechanism. _That_ kind of thinking starts up the shame spiral, which I'll avoid detailing because I know it won't help or make sense, but it makes me feel so totally isolated and it's energetically as well as practically difficult to pull out of it.

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screw it going to the grocery store and crying openly is basically a hobby I get to engage in every few months. let's do this.

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@“RubySunrise”#p106110 funny I was planning on going to the grocery store to bleed in public after my art show fails or probably even if it succeeds

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@“connrrr”#p105901 That sounds really tough. Starting over is hard enough, to do it in a toxic environment that forced you to restart before you can get your feet under you has got to be so much harder. I’m guilty of comparing myself to others too. But instead of looking outward, I think it‘s better to reflect on where you are today compared to where you were then, and make sure you’re giving yourself the kindness and patience that past version of you needed :heart:

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@“Tradegood”#p106174 I think it’s better to reflect on where you are today compared to where you were then, and make sure you’re giving yourself the kindness and patience that past version of you needed :heart:

in the absence of better emotions I would also recommend **punk rock** and **disregard for haters**

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@“Tradegood”#p106174 100%, I do it all for the past me who got me here (well maybe not all, but in part). “Be the adult you needed,” it ties into that. I try to correct thoughts like “I should have done this” or “I wish I'd done that” because past me was always doing her best with scant resources and yet somehow managed to push me this far. If I can show my past self that kind of kindness and consideration then yeah maybe present me also deserves that.

I just get really incensed when I think it isn't recognized by my family that I had turned things around, things were looking good, and then *they* fucked it up. I went from being an art school dropout with SSRI withdrawal to fully housed (in my parents' house but still), transitioning and employed in like four months. That's a pretty tight turnaround! My father at the time was moaning about how none of his kids have jobs, and for a brief time I was the only one fully-employed. But because I wasn't normal and cishet that wasn't enough. I used to think they were just so traditional that they couldn't stand having one of their kids still living at home after 18, but then my older brother lived at home with his wife and kid for kind of a long time until he moved out for good. (I've never mentioned him before now I realize. He really is the worst lol I hate his guts. I don't know if anyone yet has had a greater negative impact on my mental health than that guy.)

I think my real problem lately is that I've been spending too much time and energy on my family. I'd cut most of them out, and tried to maintain healthy boundaries with the ones left. The hardest is always my mother, because I'd seen her as simply a victim of my father's abusive temper tantrums, but she also contributes to the dysfunction. She still fucks up my pronouns and makes excuses for transphobic shit my older brother said to me under her roof ("I wasn't there," "it happened so long ago," "are you sure he wasn't just concerned for you?") and I just straight up don't feel good when I visit her haha and it sucks all the momentum out of my current projects to pack up my things and go be in her space for a few days. It turns out you really can be a victim and a perpetrator at the same time.

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I met up with the really cool CIB crew for my city tonight and fell ass backwards on the pump track and now there‘s a sick cut on the bridge of my nose!!! Here’s to another win (Psychological Health ✕ Drink Check Thread crossover maybe I shouldn't suggest a crossover between the mental health and drinking threads oops)!!

82

Screwed up again at work (different job), basically got told I’m useless and sent home. I have the executive functioning of a banana (brown). Any day now I’m waiting for complaints about me to make it up to the district and be told I can no longer take any jobs at all, leaving me unemployed, unemployable and a 100% parasite living off my family. With a record like that I’m pretty much marked for life. I’m sleepwalking every day. No energy or drive or ability to focus or useful skills or plans or hope for the future. What’s even the point of all this?