Rate Games with Your Guts! No Brains Allowed

[connrrr]

[Gaagaagiins]

This was fun specifically because the very concept of a mascot is inherently cringe, since they are often (not exclusively, but, often) cynically conceived soulless corporate entities whose reason for existing was to extract childrens’ parents’ money from them, so, at least for me, only a brave trio transcended cringery and achieved basedhood.

It was occasionally difficult to separate my feelings about the games from the reality that the player characters and their faithful companions were indeed cringe. I like the Ratchet and Clank games, but, again at least in my mind, they are certainly both cringe. My logic is that Ratchet is presented as being the based one, which is cringe, and Clank is presented as cringe, but in a way that is meant to circumironically wrap back around to him being based about being cringe, which is all, of course, quite cringe. I like Megaman games too, but like, come on, even the Megaman from Megaman Legends isn’t safe from being cringe, X from the Megaman X series is the most cringe part of those fairly based games, so obviously there is no chance for the little dweeb from the original series.

I really haven’t played most of these games either, but this is the Rate Games with Your Guts! thread, where ignoring information and context is not just allowed, but virtuous. I haven’t really played any games featuring Bonk, Alex Kidd, Ristar, Croc, Gex, neither Jak nor Daxter, Ty, Kao, Vexx, or Nights, so to me they are truly nothing more than cynically conceived soulless corporate entities whose reason for existing was to extract childrens’ parents’ money from them.

Some of the more marginal ones for me were interesting. Take for example Bubsy. Now, Bubsy himself is irredeemably cringe outside of any other particular context, but that has come kinda close to wrapping around to him being so cringe he is based. However I think it’s more cosmically just to keep him where he belongs, so deep within the mire of cringery that he can never escape, and not be tempted to engage in a sort of self congratulatory exercise of being the iconoclast brave enough to say something cringe is in fact based, in spite if not contempt of all evidence.

Spyro is one of the ones closest to being based but he comes from such a cringe world that I think he unfortunately is just not himself individually based enough to not be a component of his own cringe world. Plus a little cute purple dragon with those dumb whimsical lookin ass horns just isn’t that based now that I think about it.

Ristar on the surface seems like he’d be based being a failure of a commerical product but I just can’t handle his stupid mascot platformer ass smirk that is on the box art, and I don’t have the same strong Sega Bias as many people here do, so, I damn him to cringery.

Rayman almost gets out safe because I think those games are kinda weird and cool but frankly he bears too much weird French energy. As someone who grew up as an anglophone but with a distinctly French culture always lurking in their cultural periphery, jumping out only within very specific contexts like grade school French class, I can tell you that when French people make stuff in a French way, it always comes out in exquisitely cringe in a way that is indescribable. The cringe present in Francophone cultural products is like the blue cheese of cringe, perhaps the fromage bleu even, not just unctuous with cringe, but prideful of it, and oblivious to just how cringe it may seem to outsiders. This is why Just For Laughs Gags (also known as Les Gags in the original language) could only ever have come from Quebeckers, and was almost exclusively filmed in Montreal or Quebec City. Only the French mind could have withstood those pranks without falling into madness.

Gex is a lot like Bubsy where one wants to be iconoclastic by saying he is in fact based, and I will say that a lizard who wears sunglasses seems pretty based on the surface. And he is less of a sort of cringe critical mass entity like Bubsy which almost saves him. However in the case of Gex I think proclaiming him based is giving too much credit to the cynical creators, and he just feels to me like something pulled right out of Michael Eisner’s subconscious in a way that makes my skin crawl.

Jak and also Daxter almost come out to the based side, just because they went through an inherently cringe process we would these days call a gritty reboot, and allegedly that game is pretty good. But again I just feel like gritty reboots are just too inherently cringe of a process and I don’t want to give credit to the creators even if the product itself made the best of it. I also don’t think the games after Jak & Daxter II are too widely considered to be any good, and those continued along the gritty reboot aesthetic, and that is just the publisher being greedy, really. They should have had the good sense and respect for the game-playing public to recognize they got away with grand theft childrens’ parents’ money with that one. Ratchet and Clank’s gritty reboot spinoff game had the decency to more or less die after.

I feel like despite the consensus shown in the vote being among the strongest for a certain judgement, Earthworm Jim actually gets weirdly close to being based, because, what can I say, I like a sarcastic goofy deconstruction kind of guy, and watching lots of Ren and Stimpy as a child left permanent psychic damage on me. Like, to me, I can’t think of Earthworm Jim without also thinking of The Tick, and The Tick rules. He, to some degree, feels like something more than just a cynically conceived soulless corporate entity whose reason for existing was to extract childrens’ parents’ money from them, on some level he was at least attempting to be a parody of one of those and as such there was the faint whisperings of artistic credibility there. Even still, I think he still ultimately has to be cringe because, well, the more creatively admirable conception doesn’t make up for how the games suck.

Some of them I’m a little surprised to see so split down the middle includes Sackboy. Like, it makes sense to me that the vote would be so close for Mario, or Sonic, but Sackboy?? Something about Sony Interactive Entertainment LLC specifically trying to create mascots always comes off as grasping and especially pathetic, and Sackboy really comes off like he was created to be a mascot in the traditional style, which makes him reprehensible. Seems also foolish at best to create a mascot whose main features is a lack of identifiable features (yes I know it’s the point, so that he can then be modified with identifiable characteristics, to sell toys), as well it’s glaring to me that this was all happening, like, way too late in the whole cynically-create-a-mascot-to-move-titles continuum, long after Seanbaby left us all with no excuse not to know the cynical motivations behind grasping for commerical success with a game having a Recognizable Guy. Truly, Sackboy is the Funko Pop of failed videogame mascots.

As for that trio who achieved basedhood, I’m somewhat perplexed to find that of the three I considered to be based, two of them are marsupials. That brings with it a follow up observation which is that a disproportionate number of these guys are marsupials–4 out of 25, just a hair under 1/6th, which seems like a lot, certainly disproportionate to the number of marsupial species vs. the number of non-marsupial species on Earth.

Please note here that Daxter is not a marsupial–he is an ottsel, half otter and half weasel, though, and I just found this out just now, he was also originally a human who was turned into an ottsel, so he is definitely not a marsupial. I suppose it is also possible that lombaxes are marsupials, but, of course, Insomniac are sickeningly coy and cowardly about the reproductive strategies of the lombax, and for myriad reasons I can’t consider speculative visual art from certain sects of the Ratchet and Clank fanbase as sufficiently unbiased in favour of mammalianism on that subject to really interrogate the biology of lombaxes. Like, what if lombaxes are monotremes? That’d be neat, wouldn’t it?

Same deal with Vexx, even despite how, I assume anyway, in comparison to Ratchet and Clank, there is less story material which concerns the species of whatever the hell Vexx is. Also giving no kind considerations on this overall subject to Earthworm Jim, despite being this list’s sole hermaphrodite.

Weirder still to me is that I also deemed based the sole non-Antipodean marsupial, perhaps partially motivated out of a resentment for that sort of weird 90s-2000s Australophilic marketing trend that I think were a big part of the cynical creation of Ty and Kao. Like, come on! It’s not the only area of the world with marsupials!

Anyway, for the based ones, I think Crash is definitely based, though I think the explanation for as to why requires some nuance. On the side of being cynically conceived, it’s hard not to overlook how Crash being a bandicoot conjures images of a whiteboard in a boardroom full of tired looking naughty dogs that had bandicoot written on it, but also probably also had “wallaby” and “platypus” and “wombat” on it, with at least wombat crossed out like so, since–wait, ok, I’ve done some googling, and, wow, apparently Crash Bandicoot was literally originally conceived of as a wombat, but they changed him to a bandicoot because of Hudson’s Willy Wombat. Hilarious!

Anyway, I do kinda feel like Crash somehow subverts just being a dude with a rude 'tude trend that was ubiquitous at the time because he’s kinda just like a dumb guy in a way that is endearing. I can’t help but feel like Crash is funny because he’s more of, like, a victim of circumstance, he’s not smart enough to be self aware, so he can try to waggle his eyebrows for the camera like Gex, but he’s too much of a airhead to wisecrack about it, so it’s more unambiguously tragicomic when he goes “Whoa!” and then gets blown to smithereens by a Nitro box and all that’s left of him is his shoes, gently smoking, or he gets devoured by an orca after falling in the water when riding a baby polar bear, or he swells up and his entire body becomes a gigantic allergic reaction because he gets stung by a bee. Crash doesn’t wanna be in that situation! He’s just a dumb jock who wants to wear cutoff jeanshorts and say “Whoa!” and eat what I can only presume is the most delicious fruit in the world. So, it feels too cruel to consider him cringe for just trying to get by in a difficult situation in a way that despite it all is mostly endearing.

My feelings about Klonoa, who is based, I find are hard to separate from my feelings about @espercontrol, who is unfathomably based. I also think Klonoa being a weird dog cat rabbit guy is great, also because he is still cute and charming, even as he is so unmistakably a “mascot.” Perhaps Klonoa escapes feeling like one, though, because of the very tertiary importance and popularity of the Klonoa games, at least from a westerner’s perspective. I think it’s also fair to say that there is a cultural divide in how creative outlets sought to create mascots between East and West. Perhaps the language barrier is why I perceive such a stark difference, but, there’s something that seems so much more explicitly cynical and disingenuous about the motivating factors behind the character concepts of Gex, Bubsy, and Acro “Mr. Not Appearing In This List” the Acro-Bat (who is obviously cringe), as opposed to the core components of the creation of, say, Mario (who I deemed cringe but only just) or Klonoa. And, of course, these days it is undeniable that Japan has refined mascot creation into an art form in of itself, and, jeeze, it really is hard sometimes to argue against the idea that little critters like Retsuko or Hello Kitty (and NOT You, Pikachu) were created for the purpose of “social communication” and to be a charming and cute friend to all. Anyway, I’ve never played any of those Klonoa games either, but, hey, Wahuu~!

Sparkster is based because he’s a little knight possum guy with armor and a sword and a little jetpack, and he hates pigs, who are obviously allegorically supposed to be cops. Not much more to say there.

[穴]

[Gaagaagiins]

I’m flattered you thought that post used thoughts

[穴]

since i’m already full of beans let’s go with these blokes that are a bit more taff

Dizzy The Egg

• Ace
• Rubbish

Wee lad from thank goodness you’re here

• Ace
• Rubbish

Banjo

• Ace
• Rubbish

Kazooie

• Ace
• Rubbish

Lemming

• Ace
• Rubbish

Battletoad

• Ace
• Rubbish

Plok

• Ace
• Rubbish

Diddy Kong

• Ace
• Rubbish

Monster Max

• Ace
• Rubbish

Conker

• Ace
• Rubbish

Sackboy (again lol)

• Ace
• Rubbish

Yooka-Laylee

• Ace
• Rubbish

[Taliesin_Merlin]

Games set in the past require an older vocabulary.

Crusader Kings III

• welful
• unwele

Mount and Blade

• welful
• unwele

Kingdom Come: Deliverance

• welful
• unwele

Pentiment

• welful
• unwele

[Garrett.exe]

These polls have fixed my mental health

[Gaagaagiins]

Bewildered to see @yeso judging British videogame mascots universally positively. Not even Diddy Kong escaped his non-ire, despite perhaps being more of a product of his most reviled Nintendo

[Gaagaagiins]

As so far being the only dissenting voice on Diddy Kong, I’d just like to say this:

• Ape wearing a tie: Funny
• Ape using a cane: Funny
• Ape wearing a pink Baywatch style one piece swimsuit and a pink bow in her hair, or some like hot pink daisy dukes or something: Funny
• Ape wearing cool guy sunglasses and a bandana: Funny
• Ape wearing a beret: Funny
• Ape wearing a chintzy dinner jacket and greaseball used car salesman fat gold rings: Funny
• Ape wearing an ugly baby onesie and a comically oversized pacifier: Funny
• Ape wearing a granny shawl and antique looking cat eye glasses: Funny
• Ape wearing a rainbow stoner knit beanie and looking high all the time: Funny
• Ape wearing schlubby overalls and a dumb looking t shirt that makes his tummy stick out: Funny
• Ape wearing a dumb checkerboard vest thing that kinda makes him look like a member of The Specials to me for some reason: Funny
• However, Ape wearing a baseball cap and a little matching sleeveless shirt: Despicable

[Gaagaagiins]

no longer the sole dissenting voice on Diddy Kong but I think you must get it, @Bbtone

[Death_Strandicoot]

More like Shiddy Kong

[Garrett.exe]

Diddy Kong isn’t funny; he’s interesting.

[Gaagaagiins]

Not a vibe I want from an non human great ape…

[Gemstonez]

Sackboy is the rare combination of Based and Rubbish in the sense that I want to be his friend, and I think he’s made of literal trash.

[Death_Strandicoot]

Crash is pure platforming id, whereas someone like Gex is platforming superego.

Now who is the median between Crash and Gex? Without thinking about it, my gut says Rayman.

[Sun_Crypt]

I’m a sackboy apologist. I just think they’re cute

these polls did prove that Klonoa, Bonk, and Dizzy are the most based which I appreciate

[Mnemogenic]

Is it Bubsy or is Bubsy even more Gex than Gex?

[Death_Strandicoot]

In my mind gut, Bubsy is very close to the Gex end of the spectrum, basically being furry Gex. I just feel Gex is even more talkative and desperate than Bubsy, but that Bubsy gets more hate because his games are worse.

[billy]

This hat is either:

• MAGA
• the most unimaginative Nintendo merch it is possible to own
• a symbol of his own creator, like a hat that says ‘Jesus’ or whatever

Guy’s scum

[Mnemogenic]

Mighty Bomb Jack

• Great
• Good
• Okay
• Bad
• Hidden Sphinx